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30 day self care ...

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Let July be July

50 Astonishing Ch...

 
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one taught me...

When I love, I love with everything I have - I love hard, I center my attention around that one person, it consumes me. It sounds good (at least in my head) but it’s not healthy, especially if the other person isn’t loving as hard. You’ve put all your eggs in one basket and then when that basket decides it’s not strong enough to carry your eggs, you are left empty.  As dramatic as it sounds, the worst pain I’ve ever had is a broken heart. When it happens I sit and I pick myself apart. What’s wrong with me? How could I have been better? Did I miss something? Why have I failed? It eats at me like a cancer, it makes me do and say crazy things. I become so incredibly weak or at least that’s how it feels. I read the other day “it’s called a break up because it was broken” and in all my cases, this was correct. But I was always determined to somehow make it work, even if it meant making myself unhappy or enduring some type of pain.  I’ve been cheated on twice in my life.
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Guilt

I feel it coming on. Electricity pulsing underneath my skin I can’t breathe My breaths are shorter and forced The feeling that I want no one But I need someone to hold me This feeling is like an old lover that disappears for weeks at a time but shows up just as soon as you’ve got everything under control. He’s comforting in an “I want to go to sleep and never wake up type of way”. He never lets you forget where you came from. I would watch for him in every dark alley of my mind, in every drink that flowed down my throat, I knew he would be back and I didn’t know if he was stronger this time or maybe I was - maybe the books, the meditations, the long talks with friends would work this time but maybe not and that “maybe not” is what always scares the shit out of me. I wrote this in the midst of a panic attack last week - I revisited it today and I was hit with a ton of emotions. I was embarrassed, were the feelings I felt at that time over dramatized? Was I just wanting att
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