mix

One year ago, I published my first “real” blog post. I had released a few before, but I felt like this was the first one where I was 100% honest and my first time getting really personal. I remember being a nervous mess, second guessing myself for the next 24 hours. I remember crying a lot. I was already crying a lot at that time, but that blog was an excuse for more. I’ve wanted to put out another post for the last month. I wanted to discuss recent coping techniques for the separating of emotions and thoughts, and to give an honest recap of the past 365 days since I released the first “real” story. I wanted to connect where I am now to that story which garnered the most feedback and attention and, more importantly, felt the most therapeutic. Over the past month, I would start and stop - over cups of breakfast tea, in the library while my kids did their homework. I’ve jotted down the random thoughts in what has become my greatest confidant, the notes app. But, how do I get out what I want to say? How do I bring it all together so I don’t come off as a late night EDM song? How do I convey my fears but still come off as hopeful and...well better? I went through and reread the six blogs that I published this past year looking for the big picture. 

I laughed at some of the things I had written. I felt foolish at others. 

I cried because some of the words triggered feelings I hadn’t felt in quite some time. 

In some cases, I felt like a liar. I was putting out an image of strength, and there have been numerous times over the last 12 months where “strong” would be the last word I would use to describe myself.

After reading my other work, I still didn’t know how to get what was in my head to travel down to my fingers and onto a blank screen.

Then, this morning, it hit me. It hit me kinda hard. I was driving to work, and it was a “not good” morning - they are very sneaky and tend to sneak up on me. I went through my list of how to snap back, which worked for the most part. I left my house in the first real snow of the season, windows partially scraped and car not quite heated up. I did the first thing I always do when I get in the car, I reached for my phone, opened up Spotify, and began to set my mood for the day. I scrolled past numerous playlists I had made - playlists I had made before going to see bands, a playlist dedicated to anxiety on a Sunday night, a playlist for running, one I had made with a friend of just bands/songs we had discussed over the duration of our friendship, and down the list I went. Then I got to one that I had enlisted a close friend to make with me. The playlist is called “You’re Going to be Okay.” The songs were selected specifically to deal with a family vacation I had taken a couple of years ago that was, for a lack of a more fitting term, shitty. We collectively orchestrated this list of songs to remind me that I was, in fact, going to be okay and make it through one of the most difficult moments of my life. This time in my life also happened to be part of the topic for that first real post.

Per usual, I hit shuffle. I didn’t care which song came on. In that moment, I just wanted to feel okay. The song “Things Happen” by Dawes played first. After a minute of listening, I burst into tears because, at that moment, I was feeling every single word of that song so incredibly hard. Though it’s a short drive to my office, it was long enough for things to finally click. What is always a reoccuring theme in every post I make? Music. I mean, I’m kinda “that girl,” right? If you follow my IG stories, they are flooded with what I’m currently listening to. My photos are captioned with lyrics, and if you’ve ever been on a long trip with me or in a bar with TouchTunes, God help you. My text messages are filled with song exchanges, 30 day music challenges, and song stories. I even built a close friendship based on my top 7 most influential albums. What I’m trying to get at is that I’m going to sum up the last year - where I’ve been and what I’ve learned, why I’m happy, and what triggers my sadness, and I’m going to let some of my favorite lyrics guide the way.

A cripple walks amongst you

All you tired human beings

He's got all the things a cripple has not

Two working arms and legs
Frightened Rabbit

I wish I didn’t identify so much with these lyrics, I wish I could view myself the way others, do but unfortunately, sometimes I can’t. These lyrics always remind me that you don’t have to appear broken to feel it. One thing I’ve really come to terms with this year through the help of therapy is how I view myself. I deal with imposter syndrome. I’ve discussed it before, and I will probably continue to discuss it because it’s very real. I am constantly dealing with the feeling of inadequacy. I am afraid of putting myself out there due to the fear of realizing I'm fake, of finding out that I am not what I have portrayed. I’ve touched on this before but I think I’m finally figuring out how to cope with it. I’ve found this coping mechanism where I separate myself from myself. Separation is a word that has popped in and out of my mind frequently the last few weeks in many forms, and I was very close to naming this post “Separation.” I allow feelings of doubt, unworthiness and fear but I try and step back, compartmentalize, and have a conversation with myself. So often we find ourselves dishing out the best advice but not taking it. I’m literally talking to myself, sometimes in my head, sometimes on pages, and oftentimes out loud. I have talked myself into taking chances I wouldn't have taken a year ago and dismissing feelings that I don’t deserve. While I think that self esteem will be something I always battle, I feel as though I’m slowly chipping away at a narrative that was written by toxic authors over the years. 

I am sick of the chase

But I’m hungry for blood
Phoebe Bridgers

Can I just start off by saying that Phoebe Bridgers hit me like a ton of bricks this year. In my opinion, she is one of the most amazing song writers of our time. I could honestly fan girl over her, boygenius and Better Oblivion Community Center for hours, but I won’t (though feel free to contact me if you want me to). I was discussing with a friend a few months ago a situation I wasn’t happy but which I kept going back to, and he said, “You’re playing a game you don’t like for a prize you don’t want.” That hit hard, mostly because it was true. Something clicked and things just made sense. Everytime I hear this line, it reminds me of what he said. I just honestly think that is really solid advice. Don’t do something just because you want to win or not look like a failure. Only play games you enjoy for prizes that you want. 

Not what you really wanted

Nor the mess in your purse

Nor the bed that is haunted

With the blanket of thirst
Big Thief

I don’t know what the intended subject of this song is, but I do know two things that it makes me think about...

1. I hear this song and I think about how so much is temporary so just really try your hardest to fucking soak every moment in and enjoy it. Don’t get hung up on stupid trivial bullshit because in the end you will just be dissapointed. It’s this moment that you are in, that’s what is important, and once it is gone, you will never get it back
2. Adrianne Lenker is a genius.

You sang off key in my chorus

‘Cause it wasn’t yours
Selena Gomez

People who love you will support you. So many times I have looked for support and encouragement from people who intentionally held it from me. It almost made me crazy. I would give them all of me because, if they saw me doing it for them, they would do it for me, right? No. One sided giving is depleting and toxic. As my best friend Emily would say, “That’s such a 2 move.”

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face

Do you realize we're floating in space,

Do you realize that happiness makes you cry

Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know

You realize that life goes fast

It's hard to make the good things last

You realize the sun doesn't go down

It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
The Flaming Lips

These lyrics wreak havoc on me every time I hear them, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever listened and not gotten at least mildly choked up. They sum up the simple beauty of human connection, and the peace that comes with friendship. I also got to enjoy this song live with my youngest son this summer and wow. It was just a moment I won’t forget. This song reminds me of how many amazing human beings I have present in my life. I am so incredibly lucky, like so so lucky. I want to list every single one of you and everything you have ever done for me, but I think people would eventually stop reading. So I will just say, I see you and from the very bottom of my heart, thank you. I think I will always have this fear that I will lose someone, and they won’t know how much I loved them. I try my best to show it in so many different forms. Please know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without you. I love you so much.

Hello my only one, remember who you are

No you're not perfect but you're not your mistakes
Paul James Mccartney / Kanye West

I miss my dad and I still live with a lot of guilt for not building the ideal relationship with him before he died. I know its not entirely my fault, but it doesn’t take those feelings away. Remnants of guilt may stay with me for a long time, but my intent and love were and are real.

You grew up by playin' the valley so wild

And that's why

You're so beautiful now
The Tallest Man on Earth

Yes, I miss my dad but I have a mom, stepmom, stepdads, 5 sisters, aunts + uncles, grandparents, and cousins who continue to support me and be there for me. I hope all of you know how grateful I am for all of you.

Lets make a list of all things the world has put you through

Lets raise a glass to all the people your not speaking to

I don't know what else you wanted me to say to you

Things happen

That's all they ever do
Taylor Goldsmith (Dawes)

It’s a song that had come on multiple times before I really listened. I actually remember the first time I ever heard it on NPR and didn’t really give it much thought. But today, I chose that playlist and shuffle picked this song. It made a difference, it made me feel better, it changed my perspective, and it helped me write this. A year ago, I was really sad. I still get really sad, and I will probably have moments for the rest of my life where I get sad. Though I will never get to my idealized, perfect version of myself, I know I have grown since that original post. I know that the message of the song from that original post still resonates with me. It just hits a little different now. Because like the song says, things happen. Life happens and sometimes it really sucks but mostly I think it’s beautiful if you allow it to be. I believe that playlist did it’s job this morning, and just like the title, I am going to be okay.