shifts

Shift

noun

plural noun: shifts

1. a slight change in position, direction, or tendency.

I was listening to the song "Goshen" by Beirut, wandering through the grocery store with the hope that my headphones would distract anyone from talking to me. While there, I received a text from a very dear friend. She and I were catching up with each other, discussing what was going on in our lives. In between the texts and the search for my favorite coffee creamer, I kept hitting repeat on a song. Do you ever get half way through a song and you’re like “oh shit, I really wanted to listen well to this” and though you restart it, you are never able to give it your full attention, which means you just keep playing it over and over? That was happening with this song, over and over, 3 times and then 5 times. And though I could not give the song my full attention, there was one line that kept sticking out. “You’re not the girl I used to know.”  Without listening to the song in its entirety, I knew I was taking it out of context, but it was hitting something inside of me. Amidst the catching up, the shopping, and the half listening, a feeling was presenting itself to me. I typed out the word “shift” in my notes app. I didn’t yet quite know why that word or why this song. Sometimes I make these notes, but leave them alone and never come back to them. But this idea was persistent, popping into my head and repeating itself over and over for a stretch of days as if I never quit my song repeating in the grocery store.

Change is a very weird thing, and I think we all have our own ways of dealing with it. Some of us welcome change, thriving off of it and almost running towards it. There are also those of us who shudder at the sound of the word. Repetition and constants are our best friends, and waking up every morning knowing what to expect is our own personal heaven. Regardless of one’s stance on change, there is a commonality in the fact that change comes either way. Whether you’ve dug your heels in or have been changing every morning, there are unseen, likely unplanned changes that happen subtly over long spans of time. The best way for me to describe this feeling is the word ‘shifts.’ You don’t know it’s happening, but one day you look back at a picture or you’re told a story and you think to yourself, “you’re not the girl I used to know”. So I guess what I’m going to attempt to do here is just describe my recently noticed shifts and my first impression of changed me. 

A shift in the way I see myself. In comparison to the Hannah I used to know, the recent changes range across the spectrum in their impact and importance. I think some of this new girl comes with age. I’m getting older, and I have to start enjoying my life more instead of constantly being in a state of panic about it. Maybe this is what they call wisdom. I find myself more confident of my body, focusing less on it's appearance and more so on its capability. I can’t fit into the shorts I wore 2 summers ago, but 2 summers ago I was laying in bed anytime I wasn’t working. I was crying constantly and throwing up after meals, wanting not to exist most days. Those summers I lied and found reasons not to attend my kids’ activities. I lied to friends about what I was doing, but I looked a lot better in a bathing suit. This summer I’ve hiked trails with my children and my best friends. It’s normal, this year, for me to log a few miles a day between work and  trips to the local college to push my kids on a swing. I don’t look as good as I did in my workout pants, but being present in my life and for my children’s smiles make that okay. My jeans are a couple sizes bigger, but my posture is better, my head is higher, and I think I’m smiling more. 

I’ve also noticed a shift towards confidence in my thoughts. There was a time not too long ago where I felt very uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings due to fear. At multiple points in my life, someone has made me feel as though my thoughts and opinions were not valid. I believed them. The previous versions of Hannah believed that, unless her thought was in alignment with the person with which she was talking, she should keep it to herself. I needed outside validation to decide my opinions for me. Over the last year, I have been more apt to share what I’m thinking, and even though I still try my hardest to package my opinion as non threateningly as I possibly can, it’s mine. Part of the reason I write is solely for myself. It’s therapy and accountability on my part. It’s a record of this dot in my life. I feel guilty that maybe you accidentally clicked on a link and you’re reading about it. I’m exposed. It’s me putting out these words and feelings for reassurance that I’m not abnormal...and do I have the right to ask for reassurance? I have to remind myself that any reassurance I receive, is also felt by all those of similar disposition. It lets someone else know that they’re not alone and maybe us abnormal-feeling-folk are the norm. The fact that I decided to make my writings public is evidence of this shift.

Confidence of body and mind have granted me the shift of staying true to myself. For example, and this is going to sound strange to some, but I recently came to terms with the fact that I had a new favorite band. It sounds trivial, but please stick with me. I was earnestly scared of changing my stance on a favorite band, and all I can describe it as is guilt. I had already told everyone, for the past 20 years, what my “if you could only listen to one band for the rest of your life…” answer. I can’t change it now. I would look ridiculous, buildings would begin to crumble, ships would start sinking, ya know - everything would come to an end because a 36 year old that blogged about her mental health in Eastern Indiana had changed her favorite band. I was legit worried about what others will think about me, and that I somehow had let a band from Seattle, WA down. I have to be what everyone thinks I am. Did I say that I used to need validation? Once again, it’s weird, but that’s the amazing thing about anxiety, depression, etc. It’s so very fucking weird. But if you haven’t seen me, talked to me, or followed me on any social media platform - then you should know The National are my current favorite band.

I’m starting to slowly learn how to shift my time. My best friend recently gifted me with the Enneagram test and a book describing my “type”. I’m still trying to decide if it was the best gift ever or if i despise her for it (kidding, my best friend is pretty perfect, and it is one department in my life I have never questioned) *While I was typing this out my best friend texted me because SHE IS THE BEST. I’ll stop gushing. Anyways, I’m a Type 2, also known as The Helper. One of the descriptions of this type is “giving to others is their reason for being.” How did I immediately feel when I read this? Immense guilt...my seemingly go-to emotion. This seems like a great personality trait, right? Why should I feel guilty about being a giver?  When you are a person who doesn’t feel like you can express your thoughts or opinions, you develop a low self-opinion. Being told I was a giver made me feel like a fraud, like I couldn’t be this good thing. It made me feel I should probably give more to better work towards my type. But alas, after some time in contemplation, I believe the results to be true. I do commit to pretty much anything that I can. I will lie and say I’m not busy when I’m drowning. I will spend money I don’t have just so that I am not the reason someone doesn’t get to go out to dinner. I stretch myself thin, telling myself that they would do it for me. For the most part, that’s true, but, realistically, not always. I need to evaluate and value my time. One day it will be gone. My shift is not becoming something other than a giver. It is learning to be a healthy giver, to have the balance between giving and giving too much.

A shift in my thoughts on shifting.  Remember the conversation I was having via text with my friend in the grocery? Here was a reply I had in our conversation, “The one thing that keeps me going is I do believe that everything kinda happens the way it’s supposed to, and as long as I’m putting out good, then I will get good back and ultimately end up really happy with how things worked out. It’s so weird. I did not think my 30’s would be spent finding who I am - what makes me happy + how to rid myself of the things that don’t - like I thought you got that done in your 20’s, but maybe it’s just a lifetime thing”  We are constantly shifting whether we like it or not, whether its forced or organic, whether it’s abrupt or over time. Once we get in the mindset that we can’t or don’t need to change, I think that’s when we are in trouble. The idea of finding a permanent self creates an anxiety, a deeply rooted discomfort, due to its opposition with life’s unstoppable movement. It’s during this resistance, when you don’t realize everything else is still moving, that people grow apart, quit or become stale in their jobs, and home no longer feels like home. We have to shift even when it hurts, even when it’s uncomfortable. Enjoy who you are in the present day. Do what makes you happy. Be the girl your future self can remember fondly.

You're not the girl I used to know

What would you hide from such a glow
If I had only told you so
You're on in five
It's time you rise
Or fade
- Zach Condon