the fixer

It’s crazy how, as you're floating through life, you find yourself in a moment, or sometimes moments, where you can’t breathe, where you’re drowning and this is it - this is how your body leaves the earth. It sounds dramatic. It totally is, but it’s also fitting and fucking terrifying. But all things pass away. Time moves forward. You find your head above the water again. You’re drenched, everything hurts and your face is swollen, but you’re still alive - you survived. But turbulent water doesn't still quickly. You will be at the mercy of the waves, getting days where you don't cry at all, days with a full night of sleep, days you go back on your word, and days where you cry at work. Slowly, though, life calms, and sooner than you'd think possible, you can't believe the old you existed. Like a serpent you have shed your skin and you feel new.  That feeling is so good, it is a euphoric high, making you believe you can do anything. But beware, you can’t.

This is where I jump all around and take you down the rabbit hole that is my mind.

Let me preface this with, this is my personal experience and this could honestly only be in regards to my life and everyone that read this is going to shake their head while whispering to themselves’ “what in the actual fuck is she talking about?”

So anyways, that high I’m feeling? It makes me feel strong - it makes me feel like I can be in control of certain situations. I do things that I know aren’t healthy or right, and the whole time, I convince myself that it was okay because I’m stable, in control, and, in a way, invincible now. I believe that the old Hannah would totally not be able to handle these situations but this new Hannah, she’s gonna throw the match into the gasoline and walk away with her hair perfectly in place, slow motion, and with a smile while the fire rages behind her. Funny thing is, it does not work like that. I know this because I tried it over and over again. I was trying to prove something to myself and worse, to others. I thought, “I’m not fragile or broken, I’m strong - just watch me.”  I would brag to friends about how well I’m doing, I would lie and push down these emotions that were coming up. I would walk directly back into the fire to be burned. Let me be clear, I blame no one but myself. Can I still be a victim if I knowingly go back to situations where 99% of the time I get hurt? I was telling myself I could survive because I was able to control the situation and honestly, I felt awful. For too long I’ve lived with the motto that a shitty situation is better than none at all.

I’m not sure what prompted me to write about this but I have got a few ideas…

Maybe, it is that I’m tired of the repetitiveness of “getting healthy”. I would compare it to someone who works really hard to lose weight and once they hit their goal they stop going to the gym because they’ve “got it under control now”. It’s a process, and it's a life long one. I feel like I’m on this exhausting ferris wheel of emotions that continuously is getting stuck in the same spots - I just need to get off and rip up the ticket.  I know what feels good and I go against that feeling a lot. It’s very frustrating. Why do I go against what feels good? - To make other people happy, to stay relevant, fear of not being liked - a bunch of really shitty reasons to put myself through hell.

Maybe, it's that I just completed my first week of being off all medications (antidepressants/antianxiety) and it was really scary, but surprisingly, not as horrible of a process as I thought it would be. Once again, this is my personal experience - the medication I was on was significant in getting me through a horrible time in my life, and I have an amazing nurse practitioner and therapist that listened to me. But I decided it was time, I hit a wall and I made a decision.  It was a slow decision and well thought out, and I give myself a pat on the back for going about it the way that I did. While coming off the medications, I started meditating a lot more, journaling, working out, acupuncture, and taking some recommended herbs to help the process. I discussed it with my therapist as well as my physician, and I knew staying healthy would be work. I had to take a step back and look at what was hurting my life. A big trigger for me is alcohol. I had to evaluate it. I wanted to zone in on when it’s really worth it, and it’s turning out that, more times than not, it impacts me in a negative manner. I’m fine to have a glass of wine with a friend, a beer while out to dinner, but I shouldn't keep using it to try and remedy a situation where I feel awkward. Lots of alcohol =  being comfortable and letting go, correct? Uh, no. Typically, for me, it equals blacking out and super poor decision making. There are many variables in life, and we really have to evaluate each one of them and how they affect us and stay mindful because it's all so very much connected.

Maybe, it's that my best friend took me to a psychic a couple weeks ago, -hang with me for a minute on this one because I’m definitely a skeptic- and she said some words that really stuck. One thing she talked about was trusting my intuition, which I’m not the best at. I think I’ve listened to my intuition before, but following it….nah.  This immediately reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies and one I recently connected with again, High Fidelity based on the book by Nick Hornby - the main character, Rob, says “I've been thinking with my guts since I was fourteen years old, and frankly speaking, between you and me, I have come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brain.”  But I’m the opposite, I’m not even sure what the fuck I am following when I make a decision but it’s rarely my gut. Before I left she stopped me and asked me if I had a daughter, when I told her I did, she grabbed my hands and said, “don’t let anyone in your life that you wouldn’t want to be in your daughter's life” and that just hit me hard. I’ve often preached about these humans I’m raising and setting a good example, and every day I learn that they are watching me way more than I ever knew.

Maybe it’s that I'm choosing, or have learned, to see situations and people for what they really are. I'm not going to allow myself to make excuses for the unhealthy people in my life. I'm going to create spaces that allow me to expand my relationships with those that help to grow me as a person. My entire life I’ve made excuses for people’s actions that cause me harm or hurt me. Whether it be blaming it on their addictions, traumas, stress or often times myself. I’ve said it before, and I would love to reiterate that, just because someone may bring a negativity to my life, they are by no means a bad person. They are just not the right person to be in my life. I’ve often times been down on myself for chasing after the bad to try and fix it and neglecting the good because I look at it as a constant and I don’t need to feed it and take care of it. Totally wrong. I mean really really wrong. I’ve learned over the past couple months that, the more of my energy I put into the good in my life, the better I feel. I feel rested. I feel happy and it’s so much easier. I was a fixer of everything broken except myself.

When something's broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it
When something's bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it
If something's low, I wanna put a little high on it
When something's lost, I wanna fight to get it back again

As much as I love Mr. Vedder - I have to come to terms with the fact I can not fix everything/everyone + me fixing someone else’s problems isn’t healthy for either of us. I can only be in control of myself and my growth and honestly I think the more I focus on myself the more I’m allowing others to grow.

*I would like to also take this opportunity to thank my great friend/more like a brother Pat. He helps me edit my blog, bounce ideas off of him and is a constant source of inspiration.  He, his wife Penny and his children Amos + Ada have been absolute blessings to me and my family and we are so incredibly grateful.