conscious

So this is the new year...

Personally, I love it - the thought of a clean slate, a chance to start a new habit or put to rest an old one. Saying goodbye to old routines that have caged us - we have a key now to let ourselves out and it will fall into our laps when a ball drops. It's a chance to embrace a thought that we have kept hidden in the corner of our brains - a chance to throw it out there for everyone to see. This is all because a single digit in a numeric code changed at the strike of midnight.  And although there are 365 midnights in a year, this is the one, heavy with cultural celebration, where change feels possible.

Somewhere along the way
I started to smile again
I don't remember when

This year feels different.
The past year felt incredibly different.
2 months ago I had an idea of what December 31st would feel like, and surprisingly, it felt nothing like I anticipated. New Year's Eve was spent with friends that have been in my life for 20 years, new friends, and a bunch of cute little babes - I laughed a lot, revisited old times, kissed my birds at midnight, played God's gift to Hoosiers (also known as Euchre), watched my kids become best friends with my best friends, and ended it belting out Taylor Swift on a basement couch with my Emily.  Honestly, if you had asked me to describe my ideal NYE night, it wouldn't have come close.  It's like meditation or living in the moment, contentment only happens when you're not trying.

Everything
In its right place

On the days leading up to December 31st, I began to ponder what my "resolutions" would be - how could I make 2019 gorgeous? In the past, I would be sure to make out my goals in SMART format (I'm not even going to go into what this is but for me, it's purely driven by anxiety and OCD). The resolutions would be typed out because, is something real if it's only written out? Especially in my handwriting.  I would have by now purchased a brand new planner and new pens so that everything was color coordinated and in its right place.

You belong somewhere you feel free

This year was different. I still want next year to be better than the last.  I still have goals that I want to achieve but they aren't as concrete and clear as they have been in the past. It is a weird process taking place in my mind. Maybe it is due to the fact that my anti-depressants actually feel like they have started working. Could it possibly be because I am no longer self medicating with other substances on the daily? or that I am attending therapy and actually doing what the therapist recommends (the good ole days of paying $90 a week and forgetting it at the door may be long gone). It just feels different this time.  The fog has lifted.

Once I wanted to be the greatest...

One thing constantly popped into my head when thinking about what I wanted to manifest into my next year on this big beautiful round ball (or plate for you flat earthers). It was a word that I would think of while drifting off to sleep, when I woke up, while thinking about my health, while considering the plans I want to make, and even when thinking about my career.

CONSCIOUS

adjective

• aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake.
• having knowledge of something; aware.
• painfully aware of; sensitive to.

I want to be conscious.

I made a list of some of the things I wanted to be conscious of...

how I treat my mind, body and heart

of what I'm hearing and how I respond to it

what I spend my money on

of my nourishment

of my time and what I spend it on

what makes me happy

what makes me hurt

of the people in my space

of my gut feeling

of the truth

of lies

And even though it's late the promise stands; it doesn't fade

And even if it's true you often find the best laid plans,

Will fall down broken all around you now

This isn't to say that I've never been conscious of these things in my past, but even when I was aware, I would shove my initial reaction down, deep down. I would lie to myself more than I ever listened to myself - convince myself that the decisions I were making were in my best interest or would somehow benefit me in the future. I would make temporary purchases that would leave me feeling empty. I am a hardcore product of instant fucking gratification - I like the quick fix, the short-term high, fast food, indulging in that drink in order to forget what I'm feeling, spending my time with others in order to avoid FOMO (fear of missing out, the kids are using it). But I was completely neglecting myself.

It makes much more sense, to live in the present tense.

This year I want to stop, breathe, and consciously think about every decision I make.  I know I will fail, and it will likely be frequent.  But I will take note of the failure.  I understand that I must stay conscious of the negative as well as the positive.  I want to be so much more aware than I have been in the past. I want to listen to every word my best friend says when I visit her in in Pennsylvania in the coming weeks.  I want to soak up every second of the Ben Kweller concert I'm attending with two of my oldest friends in February. I want to feel the pebbling on my son's new basketball while we perfect his crossover, be fully present while laying on the floor with my daughter and listening to her record player, and be completely engaged while my son is explaining to me what the hell Fortnite is.  I want to have my dear friend be my only focus while he is teaching me Spanish on Tuesday evenings.  When I step off the plane in California this March, I want to immerse myself in every second and soak up every detail during the duration of my stay.  These things will not only make me happy in the moment, but they will do something so much more grand, they will enrich my future and make it such a stellar place.  There has been much to love in my life, I'm going to learn, this year, to see it.

I hope all of 2019 is beautiful for you and you are present for each amazing second of it.

- hannah