SPACE

I wish I was about to talk to you about Cosmos, because I feel like that would be so much more interesting. I wish I was going to quote Sagan and take you into a black hole of information discussing whether or not Pluto is really a planet or why Saturn is losing its rings, but if that is the "space" you came here for - X out of the page quickly.

Instead, I'm going to be awkwardly vulnerable and tell you weird shit that I think all while obsessively listening to The Cults (I slept on them for the last couple of years and now I'm obsessed again. If you haven't listened to them, put on their first album and just thank me later).

A couple of months ago a friend talked to me about space. She told me I had to create space to allow the right things to come into my life. When you fill "your space" with the wrong people, activities, thoughts - it prevents the good from entering. You know when something hits you? Like just knocks you on the floor and you feel like a weird fog has lifted that you didn't even know existed. That happened - sitting in the stairwell at my son's basketball practice. There was clarity and sense where before was confusion and doubt. 

SPACE

Here is where I feel like I'm going to ramble a bit, so stick with me - I'm full of excitement, anxiety, regret, happiness, disappointment and about 17 other emotions. Unfortunately, it doesn't always translate well from my head to my hands but I'll give it a try.

I started to think back - not super far back but far enough. I can remember exact instances in my life where I would rid myself of negativity in my life and that's when the good started happening. Whether the negativity be a person, thought, vice, or activity - that's when the good would sneak its way into my life. With that being said, pain comes with creating space - usually removing things from your life is not an easy process. In my experience, it can be one of the most painful things you can go through. If you need a hard example of the proof in "making space" look at substance abuse. I've watched people deal with withdraw, and it seems like one of the most physically/emotionally/mentally traumatic processes we could experience as human beings. But in the end, the good one is able to soak up, once there is space where the negativity abode, is evident and dramatic.

Each time I've removed something negative from my life, the good pours in. I tell myself, at first, that I don't deserve it, that it's pity.  But what if it's not, what if I just never allowed the space for the those things to happen before? What if my space was so small and so dark that it was impossible for any light to enter. A person told me once to be gracious and accept the good deeds that people do for us because it's just the universe giving back what we've put in. It's hard for me to remember that all the time. It's hard for me to think of myself in a positive light. I'm getting better than I was yesterday, and even better than the day before. 

I know minimalism has become a big thing over the last few years, but isn't that the same thing?  By minimizing the "things" in our life, doesn't it create a larger space for happiness?  Slowly over the last month, I've started to get rid of things, to question the value they hold in my life and how beneficial they are to my space. I love the old Pearl Jam book that I got in college and read front to back multiple times, but what purpose is it serving me now? If I got rid of all those books that I don't read on my bookshelf, then I wouldn't need a bookshelf and then I would have more room for yoga and for my daughter to practice handstands and more room for my boys to have their Nerf gun fights (wait, is that a good thing?) I don't plan on going crazy, and I'd never get rid of the record collection I've started to build (mainly because my daughter is getting a record player for Christmas and I'll be damned if we she doesn't have The National on vinyl)

I love to travel, and I travel the most when I take myself out of a toxic situation. I've already planned 3 trips for the next 6 months.  Now, let me put this out there -  these situations were my fault and no one else's. No one was forcing me not to do the things I love or holding me back. It was me. I made these decisions and chose where to put my energy. I knew what I was doing, and I take the blame. The space where I was putting my energy was not a rewarding one, for anyone or myself. Creating space not only benefits us but inadvertently we create space for others by choosing to walk away. I think or at least hope - that in the end, everyone has a lot more positive in their life from the decisions made.

creating space hurts

growing hurts

life hurts

but doesn't everything hurt before something really good happens

doesn't pain mean we are evolving

are scars not a symbol of survival

The next part of this may come off as bragging, and honestly, I don't care - I've got to stop concerning myself with how others perceive me, and if people think I'm bragging for giving credit where its due, well okay.

Thank you to these people for entering my space..

a mom who still loves me when I'm a brat and I don't return her texts/calls + I know she would do anything for me

sisters who check on me and listen to me cry

a stepmom who knows exactly when to send a text

a stepdad who loves me without hesitation

a family who took my children and I out to dinner and made sure I didn't go without Christmas gifts

friends...

who let me sleep on their couches

who dance in basement clubs with me

who inspire me

who send me Taylor Swift news

who don't know me but still take the time to reach out

who tolerate my late night texts about therapy/bands and tell me not to walk home

who live in PA

who teach me how to box

who are honest

who teach me to be myself without apologizing

who check on me when my city is in the news

who buy me milkhouse sodas

who go to concerts with me

who don't care how long it's been

who proofread my blogs for me

who give me honest feedback about my podcast

who ask if they can pay for one of my kids when we go to the movies with them

who come over and drink wine 

who don't judge my parenting 

who have parents that take me in like I'm theirs

who sit next to me at basketball games so I'm not alone

who make me stickers + take phone calls from my babes

who just really love me and want to make sure I know

a boss who is a best friend

all my group chats

my children's father, we are finally getting there and I love watching the kids see it + love it
my children's stepmom, I appreciate her so much

a team at work who supports me and are the reason I love my job again

Eva, who makes everything in my space beautiful with her art, personality, and laugh

Grant, who teaches me so much - watch him talk to me and you'll see my eyes full of amazement

Harrison, who gets just as excited as I do to watch basketball and is the best cuddler

music, all the music, all the playlists, the happy songs, the sad ones, the motivating ones- all of them

all of you who put up with my playlists and songs

I love you all. I love that all of you are a part of my space.

I hope I bring as much to your space as you do to mine.

I guess if you were looking for a Sagan quote in this post, you ended up getting one....

"You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other."
-Carl Sagan