Imitate
I do it every day.
I wake up to it and fall asleep to it.
I do research, I study, I should have my doctorate in it.
I should try to paint
I need to cry less and be stronger
I should be a runner
I should cook healthier meals
I should put makeup on before I leave the house, always
I should grow my hair longer
I should cut my hair
I should be a better mom
I should be a way better mom
I should go back to school and get a degree
I should get my eyebrows done
I should delete all of my social media
I should post more intelligent material on social media
I could go on. for. days.
It’s not social media that started this - it definitely makes it easier but it’s not the cause. Maybe it’s because I really don’t remember getting affirmations from my parents. I’m sure they did it, I’m sure they told me I was smart and pretty. Actually one of the memories I haven’t managed to blackout from my childhood is one day receiving a flyer addressed to me (I think I was probably 9, so this was a HUGE deal), it was from a modeling agency, my mom said I should do it - I literally remember the feeling of my stomach turning thinking about getting on a stage and thinking I was pretty. I’ve always had a hard time thinking anything good about myself and when I do there’s a lingering thought I could be better.
So it began, IMITATION. I would imitate what I saw - I would look at everyone around me and the ones who had lots of friends or attention (and in most recent years, followers) and I would copy them. Now, I knew I would be imitating but I would never be AS GOOD. I was a fraud and these people were full of confidence and strength. And ya know what? It worked - for a long time it worked. But, like most pretenders, my lies caught up with me. Did I lose friends? No. Did people point fingers and call me a fake? Hardly. Was a 3-page article written about how Hannah Abrams had deceived everyone for years? Of course not. It caught up me in the form of unhappiness.
I had been pleasing family, friends, boyfriends, bosses, classmates, etc. my whole entire life.
And now I feel…
Empty
Sad
Alone
Weak
Stupid
Inferior
Who am I? I have literally lost myself.
I’ve been working on it - there are definitely parts of me that shine through the cracks of the sculpture I have built. I have imitated and found that I am actually good at something or genuinely enjoy something. I have continued to have the same favorite band since freshman year of high school. I wish I had heard them playing at a trendy record store or saw a video on MTV and couldn't wait to hear more but no, I bought their whole discography because I liked a boy. A boy who wasn’t nice to me, that would smack my ass in the hallway to mess with my head. He would tell me he was going to take me on a date but when the day came he wouldn’t show, but he would encourage me not to date other people in case one day...he wanted me. He was an asshole and I knew every fucking word to every fucking song of HIS favorite band.
Why do I do this? I don’t know but I always have and still do but I’m slowly learning (with the help of some wonderful people I’ve surrounded myself with) how to stop or at the very least not be afraid to show them who I am. People who have assured me that they love me for me and nothing could ever stop them. People who remind me of what I have accomplished in my life and that it was ME and not an imitation. I’m trying to be one of those people myself.
I would have never thought of typing this out 10 years ago and sending it to my boyfriend for proofreading and feedback, I would have rather thrown up and hurt myself than to allow myself to be that available, that naked. I would have rather offered my body up instead of telling them about the deepest corners of my mind. I did all those things too. I did them a lot.
Today I was asked, “why do you talk to your friends this way but not yourself?" Why do I offer up some really good advice but never take it? Why do I encourage other women to live their life on their terms but am deathly afraid of doing it myself? Why do I want them to live a life of happiness but feel like I don’t deserve it? I need to learn to be my own friend - encourage myself to do the things that make me happy, be proud of myself, be forgiving to myself when I fuck up and then remind myself that maybe I was being dramatic when I assumed I fucked something up.
I’m still going to imitate but I think this time I will imitate the life that I love, the life that I want and not everyone else's.
I wake up to it and fall asleep to it.
I do research, I study, I should have my doctorate in it.
I should try to paint
I need to cry less and be stronger
I should be a runner
I should cook healthier meals
I should put makeup on before I leave the house, always
I should grow my hair longer
I should cut my hair
I should be a better mom
I should be a way better mom
I should go back to school and get a degree
I should get my eyebrows done
I should delete all of my social media
I should post more intelligent material on social media
I could go on. for. days.
It’s not social media that started this - it definitely makes it easier but it’s not the cause. Maybe it’s because I really don’t remember getting affirmations from my parents. I’m sure they did it, I’m sure they told me I was smart and pretty. Actually one of the memories I haven’t managed to blackout from my childhood is one day receiving a flyer addressed to me (I think I was probably 9, so this was a HUGE deal), it was from a modeling agency, my mom said I should do it - I literally remember the feeling of my stomach turning thinking about getting on a stage and thinking I was pretty. I’ve always had a hard time thinking anything good about myself and when I do there’s a lingering thought I could be better.
So it began, IMITATION. I would imitate what I saw - I would look at everyone around me and the ones who had lots of friends or attention (and in most recent years, followers) and I would copy them. Now, I knew I would be imitating but I would never be AS GOOD. I was a fraud and these people were full of confidence and strength. And ya know what? It worked - for a long time it worked. But, like most pretenders, my lies caught up with me. Did I lose friends? No. Did people point fingers and call me a fake? Hardly. Was a 3-page article written about how Hannah Abrams had deceived everyone for years? Of course not. It caught up me in the form of unhappiness.
I had been pleasing family, friends, boyfriends, bosses, classmates, etc. my whole entire life.
And now I feel…
Empty
Sad
Alone
Weak
Stupid
Inferior
Who am I? I have literally lost myself.
I’ve been working on it - there are definitely parts of me that shine through the cracks of the sculpture I have built. I have imitated and found that I am actually good at something or genuinely enjoy something. I have continued to have the same favorite band since freshman year of high school. I wish I had heard them playing at a trendy record store or saw a video on MTV and couldn't wait to hear more but no, I bought their whole discography because I liked a boy. A boy who wasn’t nice to me, that would smack my ass in the hallway to mess with my head. He would tell me he was going to take me on a date but when the day came he wouldn’t show, but he would encourage me not to date other people in case one day...he wanted me. He was an asshole and I knew every fucking word to every fucking song of HIS favorite band.
Why do I do this? I don’t know but I always have and still do but I’m slowly learning (with the help of some wonderful people I’ve surrounded myself with) how to stop or at the very least not be afraid to show them who I am. People who have assured me that they love me for me and nothing could ever stop them. People who remind me of what I have accomplished in my life and that it was ME and not an imitation. I’m trying to be one of those people myself.
I would have never thought of typing this out 10 years ago and sending it to my boyfriend for proofreading and feedback, I would have rather thrown up and hurt myself than to allow myself to be that available, that naked. I would have rather offered my body up instead of telling them about the deepest corners of my mind. I did all those things too. I did them a lot.
Today I was asked, “why do you talk to your friends this way but not yourself?" Why do I offer up some really good advice but never take it? Why do I encourage other women to live their life on their terms but am deathly afraid of doing it myself? Why do I want them to live a life of happiness but feel like I don’t deserve it? I need to learn to be my own friend - encourage myself to do the things that make me happy, be proud of myself, be forgiving to myself when I fuck up and then remind myself that maybe I was being dramatic when I assumed I fucked something up.
I’m still going to imitate but I think this time I will imitate the life that I love, the life that I want and not everyone else's.
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