intra-changeable

I feel it coming on. Electricity pulsing underneath my skin I can’t breathe My breaths are shorter and forced The feeling that I want no one But I need someone to hold me This feeling is like an old lover that disappears for weeks at a time but shows up just as soon as you’ve got everything under control. He’s comforting in an “I want to go to sleep and never wake up type of way”. He never lets you forget where you came from. I would watch for him in every dark alley of my mind, in every drink that flowed down my throat, I knew he would be back and I didn’t know if he was stronger this time or maybe I was - maybe the books, the meditations, the long talks with friends would work this time but maybe not and that “maybe not” is what always scares the shit out of me. I wrote this in the midst of a panic attack last week - I revisited it today and I was hit with a ton of emotions. I was embarrassed, were the feelings I felt at that time over dramatized? Was I just wanting att

I do it every day. I wake up to it and fall asleep to it. I do research, I study, I should have my doctorate in it. I should try to paint I need to cry less and be stronger I should be a runner I should cook healthier meals I should put makeup on before I leave the house, always I should grow my hair longer I should cut my hair I should be a better mom I should be a way better mom I should go back to school and get a degree I should get my eyebrows done I should delete all of my social media I should post more intelligent material on social media I could go on. for. days. It’s not social media that started this - it definitely makes it easier but it’s not the cause. Maybe it’s because I really don’t remember getting affirmations from my parents. I’m sure they did it, I’m sure they told me I was smart and pretty. Actually one of the memories I haven’t managed to blackout from my childhood is one day receiving a flyer addressed to me (I think I was probably 9, so th